I have let myself be alone a lot lately, just sitting with myself. I have been watching all kinds of thoughts come up in this time. I want to save other people, like I can do their work for them. I have learned that I need to save myself first because if I try to save other people before I have healed my own shit then I just end up getting brought down by their problems. Plus, I can’t do the work for anybody else anyway. So, I sit by myself and work on quieting my active monkey mind. There are always so many realities that haven’t happened yet and it is fun to get lost inside of my own head. I guess fun is a bit of an overstatement. It can get overwhelming unless I remind myself that they are just thoughts. Oftentimes it can feel isolating because it feels like it is only happening to me.
The truth is: the whole world is at a loss for what to do. Everyone is trying something without knowing how it will work out. Everyone is avoiding themselves in little and big ways. We are all figuring it out as we go along. My life can seem aggrandized when I am sitting inside of my own head, like I am larger than life. When I admit my insecurities out loud I find that everybody deals with some level of uncertainty and confusion about the pathway of their life; the point of it all; how to survive the boring moments; etc. It is confounding to walk around in the dark. It is annoying not knowing. This is what life is: an infinite puzzle that keeps us fascinated, if not a little aggravated along the way.
There have been so many moments of overreactions and running away. Little moments that changed the course of my life drastically. I didn’t know what I was doing and I wasn’t always sure of myself, but I made so many clear decisions along the way. Sometimes those decisions were made by not deciding, waffling to the point of losing out on opportunities that I felt too scared to try on for size. All of those things that I chose to do in my past, led me to here. It is a pathway that I never could have predicted and certainly many of the choices that I have made have seemed peculiar to many people that I have told. It is easy to wonder how things could have been different. If only I could have changed something knowing what I do now: how hard it is to live with all of what you have done when the feelings are gone, when all you have are the facts that have never made sense.
The past is just like the future is just like the present: it isn’t supposed to make sense. The magic was/is/will be the mystery of not knowing. It is easy to get sucked into these thought spirals of trying to understand something that is endless. But in order to understand myself, I have to acknowledge where I have been and I have to see myself in all of my ugly and beautiful reality. It doesn’t have to bring me down because it is just what happened.
By sitting with myself and seeing these stories pop up, I am able to understand that it is all inside of me; I am going through my own files in my brain and sorting them out so that I can make clearer decisions for my future self. We all have these lives filled with intricate webs of stories upon stories and we are all learning how to let go of them so we can move forward with a clear mind. We are learning how to be okay with who we are in all of our humanity. We are learning how to accept ourselves exactly as we are; even if it is not always what we would like to see.